The past few weeks have not been easy. I’ve sat in front of my laptop and typed up many half-written blog posts. None of them seemed to matter as I have not been able to put my heart into it. The idea was to change and become a positive person. I am realising now that even a positive person has negative phrases in their life. I’m not giving up. I don’t want to portray a happy life when I’m not feeling it. Part of the reason for me not feeling all too happy is due to my dreams.
I’ve had recurring dreams which shake me to my core and many nights I find myself waking up before the sun comes up in a pool of cold sweat with tears running down my face. I can’t understand why. There’s a feeling of melancholy that surrounds me. My days are a blur and I find it harder and harder to smile and see the light in my day.
I’ve tried to wake up in the morning with a smile, gratitude in my heart that I have woken up and have the chance to make the day as beautiful as I want. However, the dream from the night before clouds my day and it feels like I’m thundered in with emotion which I cannot control.
It’s always my friend and me. We’re holding each other very tightly and fighting to not let go. I can hear his heartbeat and it’s racing. Each heartbeat matches mine and it’s so clear to hear. I’m finding it difficult to differentiate between his and my heart beats. The look in his eyes is painful and heartbreaking; I cant draw my own gaze away from his. It’s at this moment that I notice the whole time he’s been trying to say something to me. I read his lips and each night it’s one of the three phrases below.
1) I will always love you. It’s because of you there is me.
2) I don’t want to be broken anymore. Please help me.
3) I’m sorry for all the hurt caused. It hurt me just as much.
We’re both saying one of the phrases above. We never say the same phrase. I can hear myself speak; I can’t hear him. Then the grey around us darkens and whichever one of us is saying sorry dies. I’ve seen my friend get shot, stabbed, electrocuted and worse. I watch him breathe his last breath in my arms. I fight to keep holding him upright and the second he starts to fall from my arms I wake up. I’ve seen myself say sorry and then get shot, stabbed or worse. I don’t breathe my last breath as I wake up before then.
I can’t explain the sadness I feel when I wake up, especially if it’s my friend that has passed away. I have a fear deep in my heart that something might not be right, at the same time I also feel like everything is going to be okay.
It’s been confusing me a lot as I don’t know what to make of it at all. Since the dreams have started, I’ve not been able to meditate. Lack of meditation means I’m unable to calm myself and gather my thoughts. Scatty – that’s probably the best way to describe me the past few weeks. The fear has made me want to contact my friend and make sure he is okay. Deep down I know its best I not, I just find it harder each day to not ask him about his well being. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that this friend and I are no longer in contact. After so many months I have no idea why he’s popped up in my dreams.
I thought I was on the correct path and making some positive changes yet this one recurring dream has brought me down again. I’m going through a phase where self-doubt is kicking in. I find myself asking what the dream means. Is it of significant value? Am I thinking too much into it? Why am I having these dreams? – Why now? It’s been such a hard transition to start my life over again and the progress I thought I was making seems to have vanished. I feel as if I’ve taken three steps forward and five back. I’ve spoken to friends and family who keep telling me it’s going to work out. The not knowing about the well being of the ones I hold close scares me and right now I’m concentrating so much on this one friend I forget myself. It’s not been a ‘good’ few weeks however I keep hope in my heart that I will overcome this. I send a prayer out overnight for my close ones old and new to be looked after because at this moment in time I do feel I’m not able to do much else.
I will post the half-written ones up as and when I finish them. For now, thank you for reading. As always all feedback is appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read and join me on my journey.