Artist: Ruth B. – Track: Lost Boy
Artist: Gnash – Track: I hate yu
Artist: Karizma – Track: F*&k You
Artist: Jutes – Track: Cocaine Cinderella
As I think back to all the wedding hubbub, I can’t help but be overcome with emotion. A hint of sadness, which is also liberating.
Amidst all the wedding hubbub I remember thinking, “Have I eaten today?”. That used to be one of my only thoughts. I didn’t mind I hadn’t eaten. One of my closest mates was getting married to the man of her dreams. At that time in my life, I wanted to make sure everything was arranged and that the wedding went as smoothly as possible. I wanted her wedding to be perfect for her. I drove 14 miles to pick up her mendhi artist, and it didn’t phase me. During the 2 weeks up to her wedding, I didn’t seem my own family. I remember my mum used to get so angry with me strolling through the door at 2am. She used to threaten to lock me out. I used to sweet talk around by saying, “Mum, if I help out at other peoples wedding when I get married hopefully they’ll all turn up to help me.” My body was beginning to hate me as well; lack of food and sleep does that to your body. Each day my body ached, I had a constant headache, and the only thought which kept me going was the fact that once the wedding was over, I would be able to rest and sleep. I don’t remember much of the wedding anymore, and the wedding reception is nothing more than a drunken blur. For months after the wedding, I was so happy to have been there to help to lovers unite in holy matrimony.
I reminisce about my friends’ wedding, and I am no longer filled with joy and happiness. I feel like a naïve, stupid idiot. I cannot believe I argued with my parents for this friend. I let myself become ill, I did a lot of the run around for the wedding forgetting my own sleep and rest, for what? I sound bitter, I’m not. I have let go. I cut the emotional strings that tied my friend and me together, and I have no intention of joining them up after the occurrences that happened after the wedding.
I lost my grandma. Many of my friends contacted me to see how I was coping and if there was anything they could do to help. The friends who were close to me turned up at the house to pay their respects and condolences. Each one offering support to help me during this challenging time. My friend texts me to say she had heard about my Gran passing away and was going to come pay her respects. To date, I’m still waiting for her to come round. I’m not upset she never made it. I know better than most that sometimes you get busy and you need to prioritise your life tasks. I never once questioned her actions or the text message. When she texted me afterwards to ask me for staff discount, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. If I can help you, then I will. It’s in my nature to help and go above and beyond for everyone. It’s a shame it’s not in everyone’s nature.
I was suicidal a few months after my Gran passed away as my partner had got engaged to someone else. I’d hit rock bottom. During a phone call to my friend, I advised her I was in a low and terrible place. She said the usual, “I’m here if you need me”. Then she asked for staff discount as she needed a new outfit. After that call, I remember sparking up a cigarette and thinking, “What just happened there?” I didn’t think much of it at the time. I was compelled to think about her place in my life a couple of months ago.
I pulled a muscle in my back. Due to the drugs I missed my friends daughters birthday party. To make up for missing the party I called my friend and asked if she was available for me to go and see her and her daughter. She said yes and invited me over. My sister and I have never felt so unwelcome. We felt like uninvited guests. I didn’t think much of it since the medication had me dazed. A few days later I had stopped taking the medication and I text my friend that I would like to come see and her daughter since I felt terrible that I was so dazed I don’t remember seeing her daughter on her birthday. My friend started the conversation by saying she was unable to assist me with any prep for my interview at her workplace. I didn’t mention the interview, I was upset she thought the only reason I was there was because I needed help. She had offered to help with my application and I didn’t take her up on the offer. She did tell me to think about my strengths and weaknesses, as that may come up. Why would she think I didn’t have faith in myself to go through an interview without her help? After all these years she really didn’t know me. If I wanted a job I could get a job based on someone else recommendation straight away. One that pays better than the job I had applied for at her workplace. Needless to say, I went to the interview and I sabotaged my own interview. I gave random and vague answers throughout the entire interview. I didn’t want this job because I no longer wanted to work with someone who never considered me a friend. I send her an apology text that I may have come across as ungrateful when she told me to think about my strengths and weakness. I never asked for her help and I’m sorry that is the only reason she thought I had gone to see her that day.
It’s been 2 months since I sent that text and I’ve not heard back from my friend. As I read all the previous messages, I realise that the only reason she kept me close and stayed in touch was due to my staff discount. I no longer have my staff discount, and therefore I am no longer beneficial to her. I deleted her messages and feel no remorse. It was a learning curve, an experience. I’m not going to stop helping people I have around me. I will continue to support them, just without any expectations. I’d rather have no friends then have friends who keep me around for their own benefit and run in the opposite direction when I am no longer of any use.
I’m starting to love myself enough to not have to worry whether the people in my life love me. The ones who do, show it and I am forever grateful they are in my life. Lack of friends doesn’t make me lonely. I used to fear being alone and not being loved. Not anymore.
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